This is a paper I have done for my nursing program. I chose this topic because I wanted to better understand this topic myself. To many, a solution to stop an abusive relationship would be to "just leave", but through witnessing someone close to me go through domestic violence, I know it's just not that simple. to understand why, and to help others better understand, I put this paper together.Please remember, if someone close to you is going through this, giving them an ultimatum or cutting them out of your life is going to isolate them more, and make it seem even more impossible for them to leave. The less support and resources they feel they have, the less likely they will be to seek help. Also keep in mind victims will likely return to their abusers, usually multiple times-so be patient, and try to be understanding.
Why Women Stay in
Abusive Intimate Relationships
It started out as
a regular night out with a friend from out of town. Things seemed to be going
great, but it went sour very quickly. A fight started resulting from jealousy
from the female. Harsh words and names were exchanged, and the male takes off
in rage. The rest of the group goes back to the residence to find that he has
taken the vehicle, her identification, any money or cards they had. The girl
tells her friend she is scared of “what he will do when he is like this”, and
tells her friend “you don’t know what he’s capable of”. The friend tries to get
the girl to leave and stay at her place for the night. This is when the girl
tells the friend, “I can’t! He’ll find me, and I don’t know what he’ll do when
he finds me”. The girl finally tells her friend that he abuses her, and recounts
beatings, control and confinement, and describes extreme emotional abuse. Later
that night the girl is overheard on the phone. The girl keeps repeating that
she’s sorry, that it was her fault, and continues to beg for him to come home,
checking through the window every couple of minutes. This is a very disturbing
situation, and is more common than some may like to believe. Intimate partner
violence (IPV) can be defined as a repeated pattern of physical or psychological
injury from a partner. Many people who have not experienced intimate partner
violence do not understand how or why a victim would stay with someone who
abuses them repeatedly. This paper will explore possible reasons why women stay
with their abusers. Plausible factors could include: past childhood experience
of witnessing or receiving abuse, deep psychological and situational issues
related to intimate partner abuse, and stigma or social constructs and economic
issues.
Children who
witness domestic violence are more likely to be victims of intimate partner
violence as adults. Debra Miller (2006) argues that re-victimization later in
life can be contributed to the basis of social learning theory; the child
learns this gender role through witnessing inter-parental violence. She states
that “violence in the home sends a clear message to the
child that it is a normal and unavoidable happening within the family. It leaves
a strong imprint on the child’s emotional development and cognitive schema”
(2006, p.192). The child has no
control over the events, which can create learned helplessness (Miller, 2006). In
the case of child physical abuse, children create multiple defenses and ways to
cope with traumatic events, which can result in the development of
dysfunctional beliefs, behaviours and attitudes that persist into adulthood
(Anderson, 2002). These altered beliefs, behaviours and attitudes help form the
decisions that place them in unhealthy relationships, which may help to explain
Turner and Butler’s (2003) findings. They stated that women with a history of
childhood abuse may have an increased risk of re-victimization from an intimate
partner. The women at the highest risk of intimate partner violence were those
who had been sexually abused as a child.
Sexual abuse correlates with early cohabitation, early parenthood,
increased relationship instability, lower relationship satisfaction, higher
rates of intimate partner violence (Friesen, Woodward, Horwood, &
Fergusson, 2010), substance abuse (Friesen et al., 2010) (Turner & Butler,
2003), low self-esteem, and depression (Turner & Butler, 2003). Child
physical and sexual abuse is likely to “contribute to the development of low
self-esteem” (p.91) because children end up believing that they somehow did
something to deserve it (Turner & Butler, 2003).
Women
may stay in violent relationships because of psychological issues, or because
they are trying to obtain an unrealistic conditioned western view of romantic
love. Some women stay in abusive relationships because they are essentially
trapped by the psychological trauma from the abuse. They develop fear, lack of
self-esteem or poor self-image, helplessness and anxiety. They may feel there
is no hope of escape, and suffer from traumatic bonding theory, battered
women’s syndrome, and post traumatic syndrome (Hayes & Jeffries, 2013). Beaten
women develop psychological issues because in most cases, women’s abusive
partners have psychological or personality disorders themselves, such as narcissistic
and borderline personality disorders. For those with borderline personality
disorders, they need to entirely “become one” with their partner to feel whole.
Abuse in this case may worsen if the victim does anything independently as the
abuser sees this as an act of separation and uses the abuse as a means of
control. This could create immense fear for the victim, as they may believe
they will be in danger if they leave or attempt separation (Hayes &
Jeffries, 2013). In the case of narcissistic abusers, they need constant praise
and admiration, they lack any kind of accountability, and they have a need to
control their partners. If they feel like they have lost control of their
partner or somehow feel insulted or rejected by them, it will make them feel
shame. They will place the blame on the victim and may hurt the victim for
“wronging” them. The victim in turn will internalize this blame, and may not
want to leave because they feel it was their fault and they deserve it (Hayes
& Jeffries, 2013). After all, you can never win a fight with someone who is
never wrong, so it may be easier to accept fault than to fight and risk being
beaten. Hayes and Jeffries (2013) list “love, hope, and feelings of commitment
and loyalty to their partner and relationship” (p.60) as the most cited reasons
for staying in an abusive relationship. They argue that the concept of romantic
love is especially powerful, as it has been deeply embedded in our society
through our media, movies, television shows and books for ages. Some people
want love so badly that the lines between love and abuse may become blurred
(Hayes & Jeffries, 2013). Some may feel that they are unlovable because of
past failed relationships, and only hold on to an abusive one because they fear
they will not find anything else. Although controlling, possessive behaviours
are characteristic of intimate partner violence (and should raise red flags),
women who desperately seek romantic love view it as loyal and complete
devotion. They will devote their entire being to commit to the relationship by
any means, in the name of love. As such, these victims may have the belief that
love will conquer all, and if they just try harder, show their love and
devotion more, and be a better partner that the violence will end (Hayes &
Jeffries, 2013). Women frequently blame themselves and believe they deserve the
treatment they are given. Furthermore, because they have surrendered their
entire being in the quest for romantic love, just the thought of existing as a
single being outside the relationship can be momentarily experienced as more
painful than the actual abuse.
Some reasons why
women might choose to stay in an abusive relationship are social and economic
issues such as social stigma and gender inequality, lack of resources, and fear
for safety or security. McWilliams (2013) stated that domestic violence is
often under-reported due to the stigma associated with it. Victims do not want
others to believe they are weak or stupid, and are afraid of the blame
and shame they may feel if they disclose they are being abused. If they do not
tell anyone, they may not be aware of programs and resources that are available
to assist them. As a result, they might stay in the relationship because they
feel if they leave they will not be safe. Victims
may not want to leave because they are concerned if they are able to support
themselves. If the victim is employed, they are afraid to lose their job either
because of lack of productivity (distracted by harassment at work by their
abusers through calls or messages) or absenteeism related to the abuse
(McWilliams, 2013). In some cases, even if a victim has the financial means to
support herself, her abuser may take control of her finances. If the victim is
unemployed, they are dependent on the abuser for financial support (Bornstein,
2006). The victim may not want to leave if they do not have an alternate place
to stay, or if support in the community is not readily available. For some
women, leaving an abusive relationship can seem impossible due to a vast gender
power inequality, lack of social services available, and ineffectiveness of the
criminal justice system. There is no guarantee that protection will be
available to protect a woman from further abuse once she leaves (Hayes &
Jeffries, 2013).
Domestic violence
has severe psychological consequences to women and children, both long term and
short term. It can create a cycle of violence that can be hard to break. Learned gender roles, learned
helplessness, self-blaming behaviours, low self esteem, and depression are all
possible by-products of past abuse that can prevent women from seeking help or
leaving. Early cohabitation and early parenthood can mean a dependence on the
partner abusing them, which could be another reason why women stay in abusive
relationships; whether it is for housing or financial security. Psychological
issues related to women staying in abusive relationships are also very valid.
If there is professional psychological help easily accessible to assist victims,
they may be able to overcome their psychological restraints. Lack of resources and
social and economic issues also seem to be common themes throughout the
research available. If there was more social support readily available, victims
may be more likely to ask for help. Stigma is a large hurdle for society to
overcome, and another reason women may stay in abusive relationships. If we are
able to overcome this stigma, victims may be more willing to ask for help. It
is a subject that needs more focus when it comes to educating children and the
public. Teaching our young what a healthy relationship is, as well as helping
our youth gain confidence and self-worth may be a catalyst in lessening the
occurrence of domestic violence.
References
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Converging psychological factors
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606. doi:
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Friesen, M., Woodward, L., Horwood, L., & Fergusson, D.
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